The Process of Getting Over The Loss of Your Nuclear Family

We all have our own idea of what a nuclear family is and what it means to us.  In a divorce that all seems to fall apart, change, add chaos and yet sometimes calm to the household.  There is obviously some reason or cause for the divorce.  Falling out of love. Too much fighting.  Someone having addiction problems.  Anger problems.  Cheating.  Regardless, as things change it is important to have as much stability as possible for the children.

Things To Not Discuss In Front of the Kids

• Do not put down the other parent.
• Do not discuss fiances, child support, how much you are paying lawyers, etc.
• Do not tell your children details for the reason for the divorce.  Especially if any of it is ‘adult topics’ that shouldn’t be discussed around the kids.

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It is also important to keep things for the kids as stable as possible.  Keep to your routine and the kids’ routine.   If you have an STBX (soon to be ex) that you fight with a lot than try to keep contact to a minimum.  If talking just pushes buttons too easily than try to text, email or do a court approved email app.

Important Things For Your Household

• Figure out your income and create a budget.
• Reassess meal planning.  You can either cook less since there will be one less adult (or more if your STBX has their own children) or plan for leftovers and invest in some Tupperware.
• Figure a way to occupy your free time.  Especially the time the kids are with your STBX and you are home alone.
• Find your true friends.  The ones that will stick by you through the divorce.  The kind that are supportive.  Make lunch or dinner dates with them.  Go blowing.  Take an art class.
• Join a gym. If you don’t have the money than than write up an exercise plan.

Undo Your ‘US’ Things Create New ‘Me & The Kids’ Stuff

Know it is okay to be upset.  Things probably sucked enough to end the marriage.  But that doesn’t mean there weren’t good times too.  Plus you are losing the nuclear family that you invested your marriage and time in.  That won’t be easy to just forget about.

• If you had those special things you did together, find a way to replace them.  The tv series you watched every Wednesday.  Date night every Friday.  When those times come and you are really upset, thinking about the loss of your nuclear family, call a friend.
• Find a way to create new traditions out old old ones.  You can move forward and still have those special times with your kids.  If you normally woke up on Saturdays and have happy face pancake breakfasts- You Still Can!  Explain to the kids their other parent won’t be there but that you guys can still have those breakfasts.
• Some things will change.  That is inevitable.  You most likely won’t visit your STBX’s family, go to their birthday parties or homes for the holidays.
• Don’t skip things ‘just because you don’t have someone around to help you.’  Take the kids to the beach.  Go camping.  Go to amusement parks.  Travel.  You can do things alone.

Know that you aren’t perfect.  Most parents go to bed thinking of all the things they could have done better.  Know tomorrow is a new day, fresh start, and you can only try your best.  Your nuclear family might be over but that doesn’t mean your life is.  Days might be hard.  Nights harder.  Things will get better.

Read Why You Should Buy Your Ex Gifts here and 20 Things To Negotiate In A Divorce here.

Personal Disclosure: I am not a lawyer an am not offering legal advise.  These thoughts are all my opinion and should not be used in replacement of doing your own research or consulting a lawyer