How to Prevent Power Struggles as a Single Parent

A power struggle occurs when two people hold different positions, and neither person wants to change their attitude or give up their power. Thus, it becomes a power struggle. Power struggles are usually less about the actual issue that the people are arguing over and more about neither person wanting to give up their power. Power struggles are common between parents and children and are especially difficult for single parents since they don’t have another parent to help back them up.

Why Power Struggles Are a Problem

Power struggles can be a problem because the more that you argue with your child or try to force them to do what you want them to do. You and your child will both become angry and get frustrated, and you probably won’t accomplish anything. Kids often use power struggles as a distraction tactic to delay performing a task that they don’t want to complete in the first place. And parents likely engage in power struggles because they don’t want the defiant child to get their way. There are healthy ways that you can prevent power struggles from escalating and possibly even avoid them altogether. The following tips will help you not only avoid power struggles with your child or children but also help you to promote positive self-cooperation.

Friendly action

Instead of nagging or raising your voice, try approaching the task you want your child to complete with a friendly response. Tell the child what you would like them to do. If they don’t comply right away, tell them again, but instead of arguing or staying on them about the task, smile, and walk away. When you nag or dispute, you are opening the door for a power struggle.

One-word suggestions

Throughout the day, we tell our children to do lots of things. “Get dressed for school,” or “Do your homework.” After a while, these feel like monotonic commands, and children might even begin to tune them out. Try using just one word to communicate what you want your child to do. Let them know that you are trying not to nag as much and will be using the one-word approach from now on when you would like them to do something.

No is final

Children and humans have it in their nature to resist rules and boundaries. If your child can tell that you feel bad or guilty for saying no to them, then you are teaching them to believe that life should go their way, and if things don’t work out, then as the parent, it is your fault. Tell them no, just once. Don’t open the door for negotiation or arguments, and don’t let on that you feel guilty for telling them no. Then walk away. If your child pitches a fit because they didn’t get their way, then let their reaction be their problem.
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Offer your child choices

Instead of just telling your child what you want them to do, or a task they need to complete, give them options. That way, they feel like they have some control over the situation and thus have some power and probably won’t feel the need to argue. If you have several chores you need to be done, let them pick which one they want to do first. Instead of telling them to put their shoes on, ask if they’re going to wear their tennis shoes or boots today.

Transfer some of the power

If you are in the middle of a power struggle with your child, stop and think if there is a way that you can give them some power without letting them take complete control of the situation. Make it seem like they are helping you or provide them with a job that goes along with the task that they can oversee.  

Don’t forget about yourself

Often in the middle of a power struggle, we as parents get so focused on “winning” or getting -our way, that we end up reacting negatively or acting like we wouldn’t normally act. Try self-quieting the next time you are about to engage in an argument with your child. Work through your own emotions to try and come up with a solution to the problem rather than participating in a verbal struggle with your child. Also, be sure that you are practicing self-care. If you are feeling tired and overscheduled, you are more than likely going to be irritable and try to control your children. Try to take some time for yourself to keep the balance.

Misbehavior is communication too

Instead of engaging in a power struggle with your child to try and get them to do what you want them to do, take a minute to think about why they might be resisting you. If you usually don’t have a problem with getting your child to pick up their toys, then all of a sudden, they tell you no when you ask them to pick up, try to find out what might be different that has caused them to act like that. If you regularly have an issue with trying to get your child to do something, and especially if you are using the same approach and getting no results, try a different approach.

Pick Your Battles

Understand that some degree of defiance is healthy and a part of human nature. Children already spend a considerable part of their day at school, and if they’re involved in extracurriculars, that is even more time out of their day and more time not spent in communication with you. Your time with your child is already limited, so you don’t want to spend most of that time nagging at them or arguing with them. Pick out the significant issues that need to be worked on and let some of the minor ones go.

Above all, try to remain calm throughout. If your child sees that you are relaxed and not willing to argue, then that can change the whole demeanor of the situation. And always try to reward or praise positive behavior. This might help encourage them to comply more quickly the next time, rather than try to engage in a power struggle.