How the Stages of Grief Apply to Children of Divorce

Maybe you’ve heard of the seven stages of grief and have even thought about them in relation to your own emotional reactions to separation and divorce, but what about your children? Do you see signs in them of denial or anger? Or maybe you see indications of depression.

It’s common to think of grief in relation to death, but the stages of grief can apply to any loss. For children, the break-up of the family is often experienced as a loss. When one parent moves out, even if frequent contact is maintained, that can feel to the child as a loss of that parent. If the situation has required a move to a new house, school, neighborhood, etc., that can be experienced as a loss of the old, familiar surroundings and friends. Of course, there are things you can do to ameliorate the child’s feelings of loss, but the first step is to realize how the child may be feeling.

The first stage of grief is shock. (This stage was not included in the original Kubler-Ross model.) It is characterized as an initial paralysis at hearing the news. How the child finds out that his or her parents are separating is important here. While it may not always be possible to control the flow of information, a conversation that stresses that both parents will always continue to love the child helps to soften the blow. Of course the age of the child has to be taken into account and the words used must match the maturity level of the child, but the important message is that the child will continue to be cared for and loved.

How children manifest any of the stages of grief may not look like the ways in which adults do. Initially a toddler or very young child may become extra clingy to his primary care-giver. Even school age children may fear that if one parent leaves, there is the possibility that something could happen to the other as well. In one family I know the step-father moved out at about the same time that the grandparents, who lived in the same house, went on vacation. The seven and eight-year-old girls wanted to know, “Who’s leaving next?” They exhibited signs of stress, such as inattention at school and being more demanding of attention from their mom at a time when she herself was stressed and not coping well. Thankfully the grandparents returned from vacation and were able to provide extra support to their daughter as well as more attention to the girls. Finding people who can provide that extra support can help you and your children get through the first phase of separation.

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Next is anger, a stage that is much more obvious. However, with children, the anger may be displaced and directed at someone or thing not directly related. Or the anger may be more directly related but not rational. The same child who said his daddy was dead, when a little older said to his mother, “If daddy left, you must have done something to make him leave,” a very upsetting pronouncement to her, since she had wanted to keep the family together and felt that her husband was the one walking out on them. Harder to detect is anger that a child keeps inside. Acknowledging the child’s anger and allowing her to express it in acceptable ways is sometimes the best you can do.

The bargaining stage is seen as trying to find a way to change the situation. Children may try to find ways to bring their parents back together and/or sabotage their parents’ attempts at dating or having new relationships. The same seven and eight-year-old girls I mentioned before tried to insinuate themselves into their mother’s dating life and tried involving the grandparents by complaining about their mother’s relationships with the hopes that they could influence the outcome. It’s important to shield children from the intimate details of new relationships and to reassure them that they are still important in their parents’ lives, but that they will not be allowed to interfere in their parents’ private lives. When a new relationship is becoming a longer term one, including the children then becomes more relevant.

It may seem like depression, the next stage, would be easy to detect, but with children, that’s not always the case. In addition to sadness, a child may exhibit a change in appetite, have problems sleeping, complain of headaches or stomachaches, and experience unusual fatigue. Seeking professional help is a good idea if a child seems unable to emerge from this stage.

In the testing stage, another not included in the original Kubler-Ross model, a person begins seeking realistic solutions. While children do not always have the ability to find solutions to the larger issue of their parents’ divorce, they can come up with their own ways of managing their feelings and dealing with their new reality. For younger children especially, finding ways to help them cope is an adult’s job. Teenagers, however, may come up with their own ways, often with just a few suggestions. One teen I know strived to get his driver’s license as soon as he was old enough in order to go to see his father who rarely visited.

Lastly comes acceptance. Children can and do get to this stage, although they may always carry the effects that divorce has on them. It’s important to realize that children are resilient. They can come to navigate the path that is theirs and move on in their lives. Caring adults, both parents and others, can help children of any age move through these stages so that they come out stronger and capable of handling what life throws their way.