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4 Things to Consider Before Getting Back with an Ex
After some time apart from your ex, you may find yourself wanting to go back to them. This could be because you are just lonely but it could also be for good reason. The obvious benefit of getting back with your ex is that your family will be in one piece again. This seems like it’s the best idea but is it?
Beyond the factors of whether you should get back with them, are the practical factors that need to be considered too. Will you move back in? Will this impact your job? These are all things that should be considered when getting back with an ex. It often involves combining two households which can be an adjustment for everyone. There are other things though, that should be considered from the start. Four of these important factors are:
Consider The Kids
The welfare of the children should always, always come first. It is their well-being that should always come first, before anyone or anything else. If the situation is dangerous or unhealthy for the kids, the decision should be in their best interest. It doesn’t matter how intense your love is for your ex, your children should be the reason behind your decision.
However, if rejoining your ex would be healthy for the kids, that should be taken into consideration. In a healthy family, the parents joined together can make parenting less stressful and life, in general, more enjoyable. This would be a positive change for most kids. Seeing mom and dad joined together again would likely be a positive experience for the kids. Unless, of course, there is ongoing arguing or violence, in which case the relationship should not be rekindled.
Consider Yourself
You may feel inclined to get back with your ex because it would be such a healthy situation for the kids. However, if it is unhealthy or an unhappy situation for you, you should probably reconsider getting back together with them. Of course, the kid’s best interest comes first, but you can’t put yourself into a miserable situation either.
There is an old saying that many compare to parenting and it is as follows:
“When you are parenting, you are on an airplane. If there is an emergency and you need oxygen, you have to put your mask on first before you put the oxygen masks on the children. This is because, without taking care of yourself, you will allow yourself to die and then no one would be able to take care of the kids.”
This saying is true when considering your wellbeing and happiness. Even if the situation would be easier or better for the kids, your feelings matter as well. So when considering getting back together with an ex with children, it is important to keep in mind your wants and needs.
Consider The Reality
Our mind has a habit of playing tricks on us. Often, when we move on from a situation or relationship, we will begin to forget important pieces. As time goes on, our memory may add details that weren’t there before or even imagine emotions or situations entirely.
When considering getting back together with an ex, the reality of the situation should be considered. It is possible that your memory has over-inflated your emotions for them and you have forgotten how it felt before the break-up. You may have forgotten all of the bad parts to your relationship and your lonely heart may cling to the known instead of the unknown you’re experiencing. You may feel like flocking to them simply because they are what you are used to, even if it’s bad.
Also, consider that the relationship may have changed while on a break. Their desires may have changed and you may be stepping into a completely different relationship. This “new” relationship may not be what you expected.
Consider The Past & Future
There was a reason that your relationship with them did not work out. It could be a fixable situation, however, the past may just repeat itself in the future. When considering getting back together with your ex, you should consider both the patterns and situations of the past, but also the future. When you look into the future, do you see the relationship lasting? If it would just be a repeat of the affairs from before, then there is no point in rekindling your relationship; sometimes it’s best to just let it go.
Tips
There are some things that you can do that will help you make your decision.
With some help from family and friends, you can make your decision with all of the important factors in mind. Some of these tips are:
- Talk to a person that knows the situation; someone that remembers how it was before you broke up. Talk to them about how you’re feeling. If there are changes your ex plans to make, tell your friend/family. They will help you look at the situation with a clear state of mind. However, it is possible that some family and/or friends greatly dislike your ex due to your rocky past which means this option would not be very useful because of the bias.
- Make a list of pros and cons. Try to write this list a neutral time. What are the good things about the relationship? Do you feel satisfied and happy? What if you argue a lot or he refuses to help with housework?
- Make a list of requests. It’s important to remember that you broke up for a reason. It wasn’t working before. Why? Try to figure out what the culprit was. Discuss with him your findings and see if you can be proactive and make changes to improve the success of your relationship. Were you lonely as a stay at home parent; would you be happier with a job? Did he work too much?
- Ask the kids. If they are old enough, they may have an opinion on whether or not mom and dad should get back together. They lived in the household too so they also remember what it felt like when you were with your ex. They may not want to go through the arguing again, which is understandable.
- Date each other again. Instead of moving in together tomorrow, go on some dates together and spend time away from the kids. Get to know each other again and rekindle the fire that you had before.
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When considering getting back together with your ex, a lot of factors need to be considered. First and foremost is the wellbeing of the children, so if the situation is not good for them, it should be an automatic “no”. You also have to consider your happiness because the kids may be happy to be back together as a family, you may be miserable, and you should not sacrifice your happiness to get back together with your ex. But also, the reality of the situation should be considered; why did it not work out before? The problem areas should be addressed before you reunite because problems left to fester will just grow bigger with time. Lean on family and friends, make a list of pros and cons, and see where your heart takes you.
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